Random thoughts during the last week (or two)
do i actually forget and can't force myself to do things or am i just running from it? i run from everything so it kinda make sense.
How do people know if they are doing their best at the moment? What if it is not the best they could give? What if they are just pretending in front of themselves.
Can someone pretend in front of themselves? Or is it just me who doesn't trust myself wiht anything? Even with the most obvious things.
Everywhere it's that pain. What pain? Do people really feel pain? Or is it just me who takes emotional pain as something non existent and physcial pain as something just uncomfortable? Or am I just that lucky to never experience it? I am sort of lucky. Or I thought I was. Or is it just me, who chose to wear pink glasses with pink headphones and pretend like everything around me is pink.
Sometimes I feel like I felt too much at some point that I stopped feeling anything at all. And when something eventually comes out, I mask it and destract myself like I am a child. When a chlid is crying and you destract it, it can forget what it was crying about. Or that they even were crying. And since we are all just babies pretending to be adults maybe it could work on us too.
I just realised that relationships are supposed to be messy too. – Just like life.
I feel like a foreginer who found her home in a different country.
I think I am strating to hate and love tea because of you.
Why am I obsessed over romantic relationships and love when I still walk around wondering if I am asexual? Or is it my obsession that made all the real feeling dissappear and lose its value?
It's not fun living in a bubble. Of course there are some pretty colorful lines there but they can only distract you for so long. Not when you've been living in it your whole life. (You were in mom's bubble and that's why your world was around her (bc it was her bubble) and then you slowly sepratated making your own bubble, therefore giving her space to join other people's bubbles and be with them sometimes. But you might be getting too far from her bubble right now. I don't think that it's going to hurt her less if she is not gonna see you burst yours yourself). And now it's time to pop yours. It might be hard, physically and emotionally. But you're never going to fly if you don't come out of it. You might get hurst, of course, but you might also get to fly. That's what you've wanted your whole life, isn't it? At least in the lonely parts of your life.
I had a dream where he was so attentive and caring. It was my grandmas house (my cousin's room) and it was my birthday. There were some cherries and I couldn't choose which one to eat cause all of them had worms in them that looked like small snakes. And the cherries were apple sized. he was sitting near me and calming me down. Then he picked me up on his back and carried me to the kitchen. We took a look and I wanted to grab something to eat. And then he said that he was hungry too and we sat to eat together. Grandma was in the kitchen as well. She was telling us to eat and to try something that had beef in it cause, who knows, we might even like it. There was a crepe in front of me and it had chocolate spread on it with some chopped bananas on top. I assumed it was one of the girls who made it. Meanwhile he was hugging me from the side and eating like he was really hungry. Also there were people who congratulated me on my birthday, who would come, congratulate and go to meat other people in the house.
Did she change for him or for me? Did she sleep on the right side of the bed for him or on the left for me?
I don't know who I am without my phone.
I think I would've rocked being in the 90s-00s as a teen. Especially in South Korea.
I want to dance so bad. But apparently not bad enough to actually have energy for it. I try to priorities the energy distribution according to my needs at the moment. And dancing is not a need rather than a want. So, sorry if I had to give all the remaining energy to cleaning the room and surviving in my own head. But it had to be done anyways. Not sure when the energy tank's going to be filled at least halfway. Gotta wait or find a way to fill it effectively. Haven't found that yet.