Am I in love?
I always thought I never liked people in that way. Which still could be true. Or maybe not...
I never had a father. Well, I do have a biological male 'parent' but he was only there (which was two times a year for a few hours) for my mother and not for me. He has never been my father. That could be the reason I seek for male validation wherever I go. Daddy issues.
When I was in high school, I though that I was an asexual person. Then I started meeting people in college and discovered my obsessive desire for male validation which completely differed from actually liking someone. I tried dating people and gave them a fair shot, but they started annoying me after a few dates. That's how I realised it wasn't me who liked them in the first place. It was my issues.
Then one day I met this person. I started seeing the light in his eyes. I started noticing things that he liked and making mental notes in my head unconsiously. He was almost like the light that got me out of my depression. I may exaggerate it and maybe he just happened to be there when my depression started fading more progressively but it still felt like it. I started seeing more of him. His smile, his looks and his soul. I liked it so much to the point where I would look for him everywhere (even when there was a zero % chance of seeing him). He opened up a gate of hope for me. A hope that I might truly like people and that I wasn't a lost cause. And as a 'brave' person I asked him out... He said that he was in a relationship. It was my downfall. The only person that I might have liked was already taken. Or maybe that was his polite way of rejecting me. Either way, he didn't choose me.
I never got rejected before romantically. I tried dating other people to forget him but apparently, they weren't him. I spent months trying not to think of him that way. And I thought it was working. Until... I got reminded of him. Every little thing that reminded of him. The watch that was two minutes ahead, crocheted sunny keychain, knitted burgandy sweaters, vegetarian food, Frank Sinatra, One Republic. Every time I saw them, I got a bit sad grieving the possibility of finding out who we could've been together. Isn't it pathetic? I didn't even know him that well. But he brought that calmness in my heart that I needed so desperately. I still crave that calmness and peace in my heart, but I haven't found that anywhere else.
Recently I had this opportunity to go on a date with one of his clsoe friends. I always knew that he might like me that way but I never did like him. Even as a person to be friends with. But I went on a date with him. Just to get some updates on him. Or to have even the slightest chance of seeing him ever again. Now, THAT is pathetic. Should I trade my freedom by dating the guy I don't like at all for a slight chance of getting closer to the person I possibly love? Even as friends. I just want to be there with him and see him every day. Just to feel this peace in my heart and soul. He brought the peace to my anxious soul and now he is gone.
What if he said yes? Would I still love him after that? Or would I be bored and annoyed of him after a week? Is it the rejection that made me replace like with love? Is it the reason I am stil so drawn to him?
Is this love?